This "carousel" (which does not actually spin) is by far one of my favorite places in the world. I have spent countless hours here, playing games, talking, laughing, planning, praying...sharing life. So many wonderful memories. I have recently had some pretty amazing times here, for which I am grateful. And of course, it gets me to thinking...
No one who knows me even a little would be surprised by this self-declaration..I think about things A LOT! I would say that this can be a very good thing...it can also get me a little frazzled. I just hit the six-month mark of living here in Cambodia and in the last few weeks, I have unfortunately been leaning towards the frazzled side, busy and thinking a lot. Please don't get me wrong, I am doing ok. I love it here. I love that this is my life. I love how God has poured out His heart for this nation into my heart and given me opportunity to impact the world with His love. My being "frazzled" has actually been the source of a very good reminder and lesson from God. I had written to a dear friend of mine, asking her to pray for me and welcoming any words of encouragement for that time. When she wrote back, she simply but profoundly told me this:
REST.
As soon as I read that, it was like there was a spotlight on that word. Why do I forget to do that? Why do I feel the need to be busy and plan and figure things out and constantly keep my heart and mind moving? Why don't I just sit and rest? Why is being still so hard and thus becomes the last resort once I feel overwhelmed and near collapse? It should be my "default." It should be the place where my heart remains...at rest with Him.
I immediately thought of the story in the Bible about the disciples in the boat when the storm came and Jesus slept. The accounts says that the storm came upon them with no warning. These guys were experienced fishermen and wouldn't have gotten out on the water to begin with if it'd looked like a major storm was close. It was Jesus who suggested they get in the boat...they were following Him in obedience. And when the storm came, they were fretting over how they were going to live and questioning how Jesus could sleep through it all when they were in danger, even going so far as to wonder if He didn't care about them. But He slept away, knowing they weren't really in danger. He was resting because He needed rest...and He knew the Father was in control. Granted, my life isn't being threatened, but I feel like there are times I have been exercising about as much faith as the disciples here, which wasn't much at all, and for which they were rebuked.
Me being a person who plans, when situations come up, I am able to stay calm, but in that, I go into troubleshooting mode...figuring out what decisions need to be made in order to get things back on course, how to make the plan work or try to make a new plan very quickly. I always feel the need to have some sort of plan to point to and say "This is where I am going. This is who I am."
I feel like I have two choices...Option 1: Tapping Jesus on the shoulder and saying, "Umm, Jesus, if You haven't noticed, there's a storm going on here. If you wouldn't mind, could You justify my fear and doubt by waking up and joining me in my panic, or prove Yourself by stopping the wind altogether." This is not the best option.
Option 2: Curl up on the bottom of the boat and cuddle up next to Jesus. Know that He is leading me and trust in Him. This is the option my heart longs for.
There are so many things I am learning right now. This story is far from new. The principle of rest isn't new. But God has been speaking revelation to me about it. As I said earlier, I love my life and I love that God called me to live for Him in Cambodia. I am not homesick. There are things I miss about America, but I am not homesick...because really, Cambodia is home, too. Some things are easier in America than here only because I can look at things through the same cultural perspectives. I really do see this as a growing and maturing opportunity and I am always up for an adventure. And this isn't something that is specific to me and my life as a missionary in another country. It is truth of God that spans over time and location. So in everything...
I choose rest. I choose the peace of Jesus. I choose Him.
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